| Exodus |
[Aug. 7th, 2008|12:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Exhausted. I mean just worn the fuck out really. A colorful expression (fuck) of my dissipating energy.
I've come to realize that along the last year or so I've lost myself. I've carelessly given too much of myself away to people that just sucked and sucked and took and took and gave nothing back. Not that I really -expect- anything from anyone but I retained a hope that humanity or at the very least my 'friends' would be less greedy and more giving (karma, 3 fold give) than the dictators and tyrants of USA (the most greedy I feel). Much to my disappointment that simply wasn't so.
I've also put a lot of 'myself' into personal relationships and real life tribulations, desires, and goals (meaning it happens behind the screen, not over the damn internet) that I've just forgotten everything that makes me charming (if I ever was), fun and unique. I've forgotten how to simply enjoy though I feel that word 'simply' or 'simple' could never really apply to me with much truth. I don't think anyone tries to over simplify themselves. If anything I think we become more complicated creatures either by the experiences that shape us (or break/jade us) or by the desire to be more than what we are. The need for perfection, striving to succeed and challenge the rules of limitation, thereby breaking away pieces of ourselves (generally valued, polished pieces) only to end up at a pseudo finish-line asking ourselves 'What the fuck?'. Its in that moment you become most fragile and for a few reasons; Reason one being you've just realized that this meant to be journey to self discovery was nothing but time wasted being everything you thought you wanted but realized that it just wasn't you, your nature, or anything that really appeals to you, and reason two your left with a petrifying sense of vulnerability. Everything you were before you started is either lost, or not the same. This isn't always bad. Sometimes these journey's of self discovery actually turn out to be a time of death, rebirth a rebuilding for a new life.
All in all you'll never make your flaws go away. I can't say I've ever met a person and loved them for their perfections. I can't say I've never admired them either for their flaws. But really, our flaws make us more unique and valuable than our perfections, and really, nobody is perfect at anything. Polished maybe...but perfect is such a simple term to describe simple things which with little regret I say to you; human-beings are not simple on any level of their divine and wondrous creation.
I've wanted to be perfect for so long and when I'm finally asked 'Why perfect?' I have no fitting answer. Hell, I have no answer really... I just have false ideals of what I could be but none of which are plausible in this reality. I want to be everything a person could need from another human being but then I'd have the entire world at my doorstep wanting to be my friend. I want to be everyones 'perfect' friend, but then I would cease to have flaws or be anything human like, and I am nothing close to divine. I am simply put a human being; flawed, jaded, but extraordinarily unique and worthy of life, liberty and love.
I have friends that could stand in front of a mirror all day and nit pick at every physical flaw and I can guarentee that 9 out of 10 times the majority of their flaws are physical in their mind. But why? Why is the physical in such a high demand for a false ideal of beauty and attraction? Why must women have narrow hips with generous breasts, long flowing hair, unblemished skin, a porcelain complection and the most expensive (generally the most ugly too) clothing thats considered up to date on to be beautiful? Why are women sluts if they explore their sexuality and lust but a man is simply being a man? Why are we held to higher standards that are (generally (I seem to be using that word a lot)) based in vanity and corrupted visions of what is and isn't acceptable for anything possessing a vagina? Men are just as valuable and worth attention as women. It may seem like I'm projecting a feminists point of view on this, but really I'm not. I just want to be equal. I strive for act of equal treatment among genders! I want men to be held to a higher standard than what society places it at right now.
I want to be desired for my mind and not my breasts. I want to be wanted for my better qualities as a human being, and not for the clothes I wear. I want to be beautiful without the necessity of makeup. I want my tattoo's to be loved along with the rest of my skin. I want my piercings to be accepted and loved just as much as any other part of my body. I want my curves to be seen as beautiful, sexy, lovely, gorgeous and above all...perfect.
I want to be a better friend to my friends and family. I want to be a better daughter, sister, and grand-daughter to my family. I want to be better for those I love because they deserve the best.
So, self discovery? Its always a success no matter what you come out with. I didn't say it was the success you or I was looking for, but if we can learn from it and apply it to life, or at the very least to our next journey of discovery-- you succeeded.
To all of my friends, past and present:
I love you. I'm sorry for where I have failed and I celebrate in triumph for where I have rightfully succeeded. I wish you love, light and may days of laughter through out your continous journey in life. You have been, and will continue to be the inspiration for self betterment, the belief I have self worth and the givers of many happy, joyous memories.
-A |
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| Comments: |
Ive told you before darling, now it is really time.
You need to take some time for yourself.
So that you may love yourself again. For when you love yourself only then can you love and feel for others again.
Life is a perilous journey and at times you will only have your self.
Live, Learn, Love.
<3
Love You. | |
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